I haven’t been a very social person lately.

A part of me wants to want to hang out with groups of people, some of which I hopefully know, and laugh and… just talk.

Too often I over think the talking part and don’t say much at all.  I have a weak voice, meaning: I don’t speak up frequently, and end up just mumbling to myself.

I’m not very good in groups.

Now one-on-one, I can do that.  But, lately I haven’t been doing that either.  It’s like they know, too.  No one is calling me.  I’m not really picking up the phone or going through email.

Basically, I don’t want to go anywhere, and see anybody.  I don’t feel like socializing.  It’s draining. (I need to read Rose Rosetree’s book on empaths and how to protect one’s self.  That’s probably the root issue of social issues (I hope).)

It’s so much easier, living my life in my own bubble.  Suppose I’m afraid that another person might pop it.  One little thing is all it would take to make me anxious and upset my calm.  (Which probably wouldn’t happen so easily if I used this alone time to meditate.)

I’m always catching myself wasting time.  Dawdling in the morning when I should be rushing to get to work on time.  Futzing around with things while getting dinner ready.  It is definitely a little ADD, but goddamn frustrating.

I can’t seem to get a firm mental grip on the passage of time anymore, if I ever could in the first place.  Sometimes it really does feel like we’re cramming 24 hours into 16.

I look around at other people; relatives, family friends, high school friends, my co-worker, my neighbors, the strangers in their cars commuting with me – and they make me feel like I haven’t accomplished anything (which, really, I haven’t).  They make me feel ugly and less than a whole person because I lack the drive to make my dreams a reality.  (And that’s something I actually believe we can do!)

When did life get so complicated?  I feel like this is some sort of big cosmic practical joke.  Was I just not told some things?  Much like anyone I would judge as being ignorant?  Is everything backwards? And forwards? All at the same time?

Crazily enough, the answer is yes.  All is possible. We but only have to choose which path to take.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,/ And sorry I could not travel them both/ And be one traveler, long I stood/ And looked down one as far as I could/ To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,/ And having perhaps the better claim,/ Because it was grassy and wanted wear,/ Though as for that the passing there/ Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay/ In leaves no step had trodden black./ Oh, I kept the first for another day!/ Yet knowing how way lead on to way,/ I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh/ Somewhere ages and ages hence:/ Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-/ I took the one less traveled by,/ And that has made all the difference.

-Robert Frost

[That was one of the first poems I really loved (and had to memorize, which I did while roller skating around  in circles in my parents’ garage).]

Now, this poem brings up some very good points that apply directly to what’s been troubling me.

I am sorry I can’t travel both paths, all paths for that matter.  (Perhaps a part of me inherently knows multidimensional me can do it. Theory/thought.)

Long I am standing, here and now, looking down each path, carefully inspecting, as if it were a rickety plank and rope bridge over an incredibly high crevasse.  But, no.  It’s quite simple.  At least, much more simple than I’ve made it out to be in my head.  I’m looking for the log in the middle of the road before I even start down that path, afraid that I will get stuck or have to diverge from the path.

Although, it’s not the literal diverging from the path that gets me, but the unwanted/unexpected change or kink that get me.

Sometimes, I’m really good about it.  I just go with the flow.  But other times, it’s just like, “Woah! What’s going on here! Nobody told me that this was going to happen!”

But, things do happen all of a sudden.  It’s the nature of things.  The nature of the Universe.

I need to practice opening my mind, making it more flexible, and bend to my will, not me bending to it’s will.

Just thinking about how complicated the truth about our universe is and all it’s small implications, the billions upon trillions of parts working together on multiple frequencies and dimensions.

Tomorrow I will meditate. I must. 1:11 Am


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  1. Sloppy

     /  June 9, 2012

    I want to encourage you not to dwell on what other people are doing and accomplishing. It can be disheartening and certainly not edifying to you as a person. As a Christian, god has taught me that his people are to live against the grain of the world and not conform to it. These people you see have become a slave to this world, a very temporal place. Don’t become like them. One of my very favorite verses in the bible can be found in Hebrews talking about how we are foreigners, sojourners even, in this world: For he (speaking of Abraham) was looking forward to the city that has foundations, whose designer and builder is God. (Hebrews 11:10 ESV)

    • Thanks, Sloppy! I try not to, but sometimes it becomes an overwhelming feeling. For the most part I agree with you, and thanks for reminding me. I’m mostly just trying to purge these thoughts. If they stay within my head (and if I’m not talking to anyone about it), it’s liable to keep me in this frame of mind where I’m going back and forth between two extremes.

      Living against the grain, as you put it, has always been in my instinct, hence constant rebellion. I’m still trying to make sense of it all, AND not dwell on it simultaneously. Which is kind of hard, at least at this point.

      When did you you become so much wiser than me? 🙂

      Thanks! Rlilly


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